Wearing My Wit

I was on this weekend, like really ON my game. I was flirtatious and well-received, I was having fun and being myself. I was less self-conscious and more confident. One man asked me for my number and I gave it to him because our very first conversation happened to be about Radiolab, my weak spot. I was asked to dinner on other occasions and invited out. I danced. It was great fun. I think there was even a girl trying to flirt with me.

Is my fantastic weekend related to the fact it was Halloween? I was cautious about my choice of wear, ensuring my protest of all things slutty. I did not go unattractive, but played it conservatively. I was witty. I made people guess my very simple costume, “skittle eyes? lifesaver glasses? candy eyes? I don’t get it”

Eye-Candy. Yes, I was wearing glasses with candy glued to them. I was being punny, witty. Actually in hindsight, Maybe ironically slutty?

I was more open because I was presenting myself by my wit, not any overt sexuality.

How do I continue to wear my wit when it’s not Halloween?

 

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” – Oscar Wilde quotes

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A-typical lessons from mom

Love means needing nothing from another person.

You can’t expect anything when you ask for what you need.

Mostly a person would rather be happy than right.

Talking about Feelings is burdensome and inappropriate.

It is your fault if you aren’t happy.


 

dreamt my mom and I were in a library, my dad at the end of the table. I dreamt she was stressed at me and we were in a big group taking a test. I knew the test didn’t matter. She was telling me what I needed to do, how I needed “to be”. She was impatient that I wasn’t like her. I got angry, said “fuck you”, signed “I hate you” and left the library.

This is actually a typical interaction these days, well when she was talking to me. Maybe without the fuck yous, but hostile and unpleasant.

At the risk of self indulgence, I am going to share my process. I am bothered by my mother’s expectation but have tried to communicate understanding, stand up for myself when she treats me like there is nothing worse if more burdensome to talk about my feelings. So, I’ve lived with this my whole life, shoving my needs and cares aside for “the greater good” of sparing the family my feelings unless they were good and positive. Forgiving her temper and taking on her anger, resentments as my own. To validate in hopes of receiving love. That doesn’t lend to developing healthy coping mechanisms.

Alas, this isn’t helping me at 6am to get past my anger and hurt that is the pattern we share.

Library –
To dream that you are in the library signifies your search for knowledge and truth. You may be seeking new purpose and meaning to life. It is also indicative of the need to carefully consider all possible scenarios before making major decisions. If the library in your dream is well-kept, this means that you are saturated with too much information and you cannot find time to prioritize them.To see a library in your dream symbolizes knowledge and understanding that you have gained over the years.

Oh yeah, now I’m feeling better.

Table-
To dream of a table is a symbolic representation of the world that you live in. You may soon be invited to a conference or gathering. It further represents the connection you have to family and friends.

Preach it sister.

Test- When there is not a true test coming up in your waking life but you are having test anxiety dreams, this may occur because you are associating stress in your daily life with the same feeling of stress that you had as a child in school. It is likely that you are feeling judged at work or at home. Perhaps this judgement is actually coming from within yourself. 

Well, shit.

Significance in Other

I lived with a man. A man I loved. A man in limbo when my career was steady and full. A man that was easy-going and never had a problem in the world. Except for me.

Relationships are hard, but when you love someone, you work it out.

I found out I was pregnant by that man. That man said he needed me to move to Colorado with him because it was the best thing for our future. For our family. He was going anyway.

Relationships are important, you are investing in your future.

I was engaged to that man. He did not propose romantically. He gave me a diamond that belonged to his grandmother on a necklace in a bed in a remote hotel my company paid for. He was returning from a ski trip. We had the ring sized and set.

Relationships are sometimes uneven, one person carries more weight than the other.

I announced my engagement and my pregnancy at the same time. I was 29. It was like I was part of a club that I didn’t know existed. It no longer had the stigma of scandal. I felt trapped. My heart was confused.

I panicked.

I had a miscarriage. I cried. I wept. I grieved. I planned a wedding.

RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!

He moved to Colorado and I had 6 weeks left for my job. My sister threw me a wedding shower. I bought a dress. My mom and I fought.

Relationships are hard, but when you love someone, you work it out.

I moved to Colorado. He was distant. I asked him why he wanted to marry me. He said he didn’t want to be alone. I gave the ring back and we said we’d work on it.

He smoked some pot and said he couldn’t do it anymore.

Sometimes relationships end.

I flew home.

I feel like my life has just started. But it’s not what I expected at all.

and sometimes cliche advice is just shit.

Portmanteau

The only running story-line in The League is perpetual football. It’s offensive. maybe that’s a metaphor?

I can’t stop watching it. There’s something liberating about confrontational conversation. Is that also a metaphor for football?

For as irreverent and chauvinistic as it is, linguistically it is incredibly cutting-edge.

sex-aversary – portmanteau
Equipmonk – neologism
pigeon-holing (double entendre)

Other fun ones:
My Face (real-life online)
Eskimo Brothers
offline avatar

The League
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1480684/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portmanteau

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neologism

Wide-Eyed and Corrupted

I’ve been overwhelmed by this blogosphere.

I subscribed to “Thought Catalog”. 50 posts per day?? How? so much I don’t know.

I was interested in maybe 5 titles, unable to process more than 5. I had the thought that if I looked at more than 5, I would get sucked in and all of my time would disappear!

The likelihood and the relevance of my story dwindles. I am uninterested in MOST of these posts. “Its About Time We Had Another American Revolution”, “Do Women Like Unintelligent Men?”, “9 things to Keep In Mind When Running Away From the Cops”.

Is the blogosphere like a really huge Cosmopolitan Magazine?

Tom Boy

I went to my cousin’s baby’s (let’s just call him my nephew) first birthday party yesterday. My mother was the last of 5 girls, my grandmother was the ultimate family administrator. My grandfather never changed a diaper.

I would not necessarily call me, my sister, my cousins, my aunts overtly feminine. There are times we laugh because we can’t help but cry, whether they are sad, happy, or just caring tears. My cousins and I have formed a bond over the conundrum that is distant sisterhood. We are just like our mothers, with mixed wishes within that fruition. We relate to each other accordingly.

My cousin Cassie has this friend, in a seemingly dysfunctional marriage. I have never met the man, but we all know the story. He is emotionally unavailable, she chases him, she excuses him, she serves him, she takes care of him, and he disappoints her. She feels guilty and “just wants him to be happy” while she is miserable but purposeful. She analyzes all the things she is doing wrong, and he, supports those conclusions. He may apologize and be honest with her every once in a while, but somehow the argument always later turns into her fault. And she accepts it. She accepts it because she knows she is strong enough to handle it. She wants to make him strong enough to handle it by supporting and showing him her love. We have always been taught, love should be enough.

Cassie’s friend, for all intensive purposes was considered a tomboy growing up. She was very good at sports, didn’t mind getting dirty, and would rise to any physical challenge. In high school, she turned devoutly Christian and let Cassie know she no longer approved of her choices. Cassie was a very well-behaved teenager and talked about everything with her mom.

These two situations are familiar to me. I have been in both places. I find my self wondering lately, is Cassie’s friend just trying to prove her femininity? Being a Christian and saving yourself for marriage is one thing, it sometimes works and sometimes makes a lifetime commitment mixing up love and lust. This situation is reminiscent of so many that I have seen. Relationships that affirm your own personal beliefs about your femininity. Her femininity is shamed by his lack of capacity to understand her, she accepts that shame and perpetuates it. Now she thinks having a child will help things.

It may help her relationship with femininity, but it will not help her marriage.

A Psychic told me to do it

Aside

I recently went to see a psychic with a couple of friends of mine. Despite how you feel about psychics, (it was donation based which may or may not make a difference) it was a positive experience. She told me to write a book.

I am sensitive to the power of suggestion…

In contemplating the relevance of my story, I realized the stories I love usually have a fable-like quality or irony. That type of writing requires being indirect, something I am not good at. I am good at big ideas and details but not connecting them. For example, I think in book titles. I fight with my mom about emotions (my overflow and her lack of) and all of a sudden I want to write a book about mother daughter relationships and call it “Womb Bomb”.

So, here’s to practicing a craft. Linking the big ideas with the details and not being too long-winded…

When Practice becomes Permanance

Aside

Everyday, I walk through the hallway of the assisted living / skilled nursing facility in which I work. I see Max (name has been changed) and cheerfully say, “Hello Max.” I can’t help but be cheerful because he has this delightfully surprised look on his face, like he’s meeting a long-time fan that he’s never seen before in his life. It makes my day.

Max used to be mayor and like his friend Joe (an old barber), they are a pleasure to be around in this stage of Dementia.

They seem to be in the blissful stage of not remembering.  My experience is limited and I have no expectation of either of these men’s kindness, history or personality. I have a fresh look at his spirit, I have the privilege of seeing him for the person that he is right at this moment. And that is what Dementia becomes, moment to moment.

Which begs the question, do we become what we practice? In our most basic representation of life and spirit; living moment to moment, without expectation and history, how do we impact the immediate world around us?  Is their demeanor part of their nature or is it in the time they spent being friendly and cordial in their daily lives?

In Dementia, Adaptation is the adventure. When you loose all your memories, all you have left is life.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2013/05/20/130520fa_fact_mead

Speech And The Five Elements (space, air, fire, water, and earth)

The glottis is the space between the vocal chords. We use the glottis to manipulate sounds and communicate. Space is the primary element where air, fire, water, and earth emerge, operate and interact.

Yoga And The Five Elements (space, air, fire, water, and earth).

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http://www.uiowa.edu/~acadtech/phonetics/english/frameset.html

Can certain sounds have different effects on your body?

Air Sounds

Air quality is defined within mobility: the ability to move freely, lightly, and effortlessly

  • Vowels: ipa_vowel_chart_2005s
  • Glides: /w/, / j/ as in “yellow”

Fire Sounds

Fire qualities are transformation, suddenness, intensity, radiance, and inspiration

  • Affricates: /t∫/ as in “ch” and /dz/ as in “judge

Water Sounds

Water qualities are softness, fluidity, adaptability, power, and feeling

  • Fricatives: /∫/ as in “sh”, “measure”, /s, z, f, v, th (voiceless and voiced)/
  • Liquids: /r,l/

Earth Sounds

Earth qualities are manifested in stability: the ability to maintain structural integrity under stress

  • Stops: /b, p/, /t, d/, /k, g/
  • Nasals: /m, n/

Breath Inverted

Breathing is the shape change of the body’s cavities. — Leslie Kaminoff and Amy MatthewsYoga Anatomy 2nd Edition

Breath coordination is central to the production of sounds, safety in swallowing and yoga. The topic of breath is far too broad to broach in one sitting, so I will focus on its expiration. Breath is both voluntary and autonomic, meaning it happens without you thinking about it but it can be stopped or started, and manipulated in rhythm and time.

Breath does not solely concern the lungs. Think of the core body in terms of 2 cavities: thoracic and abdominal. As the thoracic cavity expands, the abdominal cavity changes shape and vise versa. According to Yoga Anatomy 2nd edition, the abdominal cavity is like a water-filled balloon; if you squeeze one end, the other bulges in a different direction. The lungs are like an accordion expanding in 3 dimensions (front/back, wide/narrow, and up/down). In yoga, often times you hear instructions to “draw a little more air in to fill the upper chest all the way to the collar bones”, ” fill the belly up with your breath” and “draw the navel back towards your spine to make sure the belly is empty of air.” Essentially, these breathing exercises are designed to change the shape of your abdominal and thoracic cavities. They are contained within the same structure (your body), so changing your body’s position (i.e. laying down, twisting or sitting upright) changes the efficacy of your breath. Breathing techniques are many and can be found in yoga books and but are not often emphasized on many speech sites.

Exhalation is a process of expelling air juxtaposed by the pressure in the lungs trying to return to its original volume. In school, we learn how little of our lung’s volume we actually use in breathing and in speech. In addition, forced exhalation is often inadvertently associated with abdominal contraction. Without thinking about it, the same muscles we use to strain during a bowel movement are used in forced exhalation. With practice and training, we can learn to use different muscle sets for exhalation in order to balance the shape shifting of our system to healthier patterns.

It makes sense to me that one of those ways of balancing the volume change of breath with muscular coordination is inversions. This is where I go on my own in drawing conclusions. The information above is paraphrased from Yoga Anatomy 2nd edition. The ideas below are my own.

If an accordion sits atop a water filled balloon, I picture a heavy accordion on a constantly squished balloon. This insinuates therapeutic interventions beginning with posture changes to lighten the load. The most extreme posture change being handstands, head stands and shoulder stands. Kids do them all the time, somehow channelling their body’s need for pressure change. It is difficult to manipulate the posture of the elderly, especially without assistance by a trained professional (Physical Therapist or Occupational Therapist). Obviously, The elderly cannot usually manipulate themselves upside down. But they can lay at different angles supported in different ways (that a trained professional says is ok). The insinuations are endless in releasing tensions of the throat, strengthening of abdominals that can decrease the load of the lungs and in turn creating space in the throat for proper speech and swallowing.

The visual of an accordion and a balloon also helps explain the frequent incidence of Gastroesophageal reflux (GERD) in the elderly. Poor posture, weak abdominal muscles, and slower digestive system makes the balloon unsustainable.